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innerashley

[ website | The Outer Me ]
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Sorry! [25 Dec 2004|10:08pm]
I just wanted to apologize to jgro86, live4godalone, and flamingomingo. I completely forgot to add you guys back!
3 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[26 Apr 2004|11:32pm]


Banner by transylvanian.
3 spoke their minds| Express yourself

New poem [16 Apr 2004|01:03am]
[ mood | tired ]

"Like Origami"
Like a piece of colored paper
Like that origami paper
That's how I was

Over time I started to fold
Inside myself
Hide from everything and everyone

Until I was crinkled
And crumbled
Into what seemed like nothing important

Just a little ball of paper
Nothing special
Nothing worth noticing

Then the little things came out:
Light
Butterflies
Hope

People
Love
Breath

And they began to slowly unfold me
My origami paper
The paper that was me

One day, so they promise me
I will be whole again
With only a few crinkles as reminders

And then I can fold myself
Into whatever it is
I wish to be

8 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[11 Apr 2004|12:28am]
[ mood | numb ]

"With Lack of Anything Else to Say"
Ever get the feeling that you know
Just what you want to say
But you have no idea
How to express it?

I feel nothing but pressure in my chest
The desire building
To express what I feel
But my mind knows not how to do it

My mind tells me I'm upset
But my fingers don't know who to point to
My heart tells me I need something
But my mouth knows not what to ask for

My hands are itching to grab something
But they know not what to take
My feet are ready to run
But they have no idea where to run to

So here I am just wondering
How to say what I want to
No idea how to say it
Keeping my lips closed for now...

Waiting for the answers.

Express yourself

[10 Apr 2004|12:57am]
[ mood | depressed ]

"Unsettled Mind"
It's too hard to live in this head
With my mind
So unsettled
Too emotional
Fragile
I am to be handled with care

It's like tossing and turning all night
No comfortable place to rest
Unable to sleep
That's what it's like
Inside my mind

Nothing is working
No stories, no writing
No music, no nourishment
No friends, no beauty
Can fix what goes on
In my unsettled mind

I can't ask for what I need
It would be asking too much
It would make it seem as though
Nothing was good enough
For me
For my mind, so disturbed

Crying for no apparent reason
Begging
Screaming
For all the pain to stop
For a breath
For healing

If happiness is too much to ask
Is normalcy?
A little normalcy
A little balance
For my unsettled mind

Express yourself

[08 Apr 2004|11:57pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

"Stream of Consciousness"
Remember when you were little
And you thought that maybe if you closed your eyes
No one could see you?
You believed that you could disappear
And then you'd be
Invisible

Perfect.
So I'm closing my eyes
Praying for invisibility
Praying to be taken
To somewhere where I cannot be seen
Somewhere beyond the sadness

Nowhere special
Just a room
With a window
Or a door
Because from where I am now
I have neither
No escape

Nowhere to run
No one to turn to
There's no place to go
When you live inside your head
One option...
Two choices...

Inner turmoil.

4 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[04 Apr 2004|06:26pm]
[ mood | sexy ]

I wrote this a week or so ago. This is the first sex-oriented poem I've ever done...you ready?

I stare out the window
Watching you
Does the sight of me
Make your heart race like this too?

I see you walking closer
Closer to me
Wondering if
My desire you can see

Shadows fall across
Your face
And I long for us to take this
This watching, to a private place

The door opens wide
With a creak and a groan
And suddenly I
Am not watching alone

Without even thinking, my legs take me to you
Faster than ever
Until we are close enough
To press our bodies together

You hold me close
Run your fingers through my hair
Our lips meet
I feel your touch everywhere

You take my hand, lead me
Down the hall
Press me up
Against the wall

Heart racing
Filled with emotion
Ebbing from my soul
Waves like the ocean

We go inside a room
You close the door
And suddenly I'm
Not alone anymore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And today I wrote...

You turn
I turn
We turn

You press the palms of your hands to mine
And look at me
Eyes full
Telling me you never fail to be surprised by how beautiful I can be

Lock your fingers in with my own
I thrill to your touch
And think to myself
"I never knew I could love him this much."

Your lips on my neck
I close my eyes
Listen to the distant thunder
Of the darkened skies

As the rain falls on the roof
The passion surrounds
Like water
And I feel as though I'll drown

In this deep
Deep sea
Of this
Of you and me

Dizzy with desire
As you whisper in my ear
Something wonderful
Will happen here

Just wait
Wait and see
I kiss your lips
And know you'll never leave me

Feel your arms around me
Holding me tight
And I know
That there's magic in the night

Slowly losing my mind
Losing it to you
Knowing you feel
Just like I do

Yes, I'm going
Insane and crazy
Only one way to fix this
What if we maybe...

6 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[03 Apr 2004|08:52pm]
"The Only Hand You Need To Hold On To"
Here's my hand
I'm reaching out
Hoping you'll take it
I think both of us together
Have the strength to make it

You helped me out of my hole
So I'll help you out of yours
Grab on
Hang on tight
Don't give up
Life is one big fight
Worth working for

I hear you say you want to end it all
If you only knew how I understand
Every day is so much work
Such an effort just to breathe and speak
Too many demands
I'm up on a frightening peak
And can't come down

Too scary out there
Too dark in my head
Wish I were alone
Wish I were in bed
Forever

Scars inside, scars out
Too many tears
Too much pain
Curl up in a ball
One quick motion
And I could end it all

Sounds so simple
Doesn't it?
But it's what you leave in your wake
The ripples in the water of this life
That matter

There are people who love you
People who want to hold your hand
Remember me?
Remember them?
I'm reaching
Don't you see my hand?
Grab on
I'll hold it tight
And both of us will be safe tonight.
2 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[01 Apr 2004|11:51pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Something I wrote today:

"Voices"
Little voices inside my head
Whispering, shouting a million things
Lessons from the life I've led

Said I'm smart
Said I'm ignorant
Said I'm a girl with too much heart

Told me I'm blind
Told me I have vision
Told me I'm the thoughtful kind

Screamed that I'll heal
Screamed that I'm broken
Screamed and told me never to yield

Whispered sweet nothings
Whispered in love
Whispered so many meaningful somethings

I hear the little voices, even in bed
Speaking, whispering, screaming
Voices inside my head

1 spoke their mind| Express yourself

Poem I wrote yesterday [30 Mar 2004|11:26pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I heard if you point a finger
Then there's three more pointing back at you
A risk I'm going to take
As I think everything through

It seems unfair to be a little angry
Seems kind of dramatic to be
Wondering why no one
Seems to want to see the real me

I can't understand why some people
Read what I write
Hear what I say
And never ask if everything is all right

Is it because it's easier
Just to pretend that I'm okay
That the quiet girl in class
Doesn't matter anyway?

What does it mean when I reach out
And my hand gets slapped away?
Why does no one believe
That I mean what I say?

Try to say a nice thing
I shouldn't have wasted my time
Because all they ever do
Is treat it like a crime

And then there's those who ignore me
Pretend that I'm not there
Doesn't matter if I'm lonely
They don't care if I'm scared

Finally I hear them
Shocked that they remember my name
I make small talk, try to fill the months of silence
Knowing nothing will ever be the same

Of course it's not everyone
Not everyone is so mean
Because it's not so hard to be considerate
I'm not asking you to see the unseen

I'm just wondering where the courtesy went
Why everyone stopped caring
Is anyone listening?
Is there any point in sharing?

I can never understand everyone
No matter how hard I try
I just feel bad that they don't care
And it is because of them I cry

Express yourself

[22 Mar 2004|11:37pm]
[ mood | inspired ]

"A Wish For Something I Cannot Name"

There are times
When everything stands still
Just for a second
A quick inhale before life rushes back in

There are days
When I look around me
And wish for something
Something unattainable

Or is it?

Could it be possible
To make a connection
To be understood
To understand

To click
To connect
To see that I'm not alone
To see that it's not just me

There are moments
Where I believe in synchronicity
That large coincidences can occur
Like dominos falling one on top of another, or ripples in the water-chain reaction

There are wishes
That I make in the darkness
Prayers I whisper into the night
For someone to understand me

To see that there's more than a broken being
Or an optimist
Or a girl
To realize that I am a person worthy of a connection such as this.

Express yourself

[21 Mar 2004|01:04am]
[ mood | sick ]

"One With The Universe"
I lay here
Looking up
Wind on my face
Palm trees against a picturesque blue sky
Patches of sunlight warm my face
And nestle in my hair

I squint to take in the blue and white expanse
Finding animal shapes and the faces of past presidents in the sky
For a moment, the world is still
For a moment, I am whole

"The Change In Me"
Eighth grade wisdom:
"You can't change friends, but you have to understand, friends change."
While I try to grasp this
While I try to rearrange
I hear the outcry; they say I'm different, too.

Not just taller
Not just smarter
They say I'm not the girl they used to know
And they wonder aloud,
"Where did that sweet child go?"
And I brace myself for the fallout

Stand here in my room
Staring at the ceiling
Until I hit the floor
Wondering why you say
You don't know me anymore
Tears escaping my almond-shaped eyes

So many reasons I'm different
So many reasons why I've changed
Too much has happened
Can't go back now
Can't change the past, and
I can't take it back

And so I break the news to you
Your sweet girl, well,
She made some mistakes
Later fell in love against her wishes
And found out that when your heart breaks
It's what's brittle to begin with

She entered a world she'd only heard of before
Where she never thought she'd be
A place where glass is a toy
A hell inside her head
A place devoid of joy
With only two ways out

You ask what happened to me then
And I must tell you
I don't know
My life isn't yet over
There's a long way to go
Until my heart comes together

What I can say is that I have hope
Not always, but sometimes
Hopes of being whole
Dreams of getting well
Aspirations to leave my hole
And join the living

There's something I have to tell you
Something you should know
I hear a voice inside my head, that of God
You may not believe me
Even I think it's odd
But it is my salvation

It's what keeps me alive
Keeps my heart beating
Keeps the blood flowing
And although outwardly I stay the same
The spirit within me is growing
Because there is something bigger than me out there

I've changed because I had to
Life hit me hard
Had to shed my skin
Had to grow
Had to become a chameleon
To adapt to the changes in my existence

Yes, I'm not the girl you used to know
I'm not entirely sweet anymore
But that doesn't mean you can't embrace me
Can't like the new version
Can't love who I am now, can't enjoy what you see
Give me a chance

To be who I am
To do what I want
To heal

Express yourself

[19 Mar 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

"Rain and Passion"

Rain fell down
And there you were
As the waves crashed around us
And the sky turned gray
You took my hand
Leaned in
Whispered
In a low voice like thunder

You kissed my lips
I closed my eyes
Tasted the rain in the sweet kisses
Seemed like so much more than water
Took the droplets from your lips
Every second I got closer to the sand
Until I was lying there, waiting
As your body stretched over me
And the world politely closed around us

"Pupils"
Locked your fingers with mine
Lost myself in the blackness of your eyes
Wondered if I truly let myself go
Where those black circles would lead
Maybe to a perfect world
Yours, mine, ours
Where love is truly set to music
Where if love is right then nothing is wrong
Where kisses last forever
Where passion is always present
Where love is allowed to grow and breathe

"Man In The Stars"
I find you when I go to sleep
You take my hand and lead me
Into the world of dreams
Nameless, faceless you

Find myself in a world
With a sky swirled with stars
Twinkling like the tiniest diamonds
Clouds beneath my feet

My heart has wings
And you make them fly
While we speak no sound
Everything is said

Express yourself

[16 Mar 2004|11:02pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2004 10:56 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Butterfly at the Ocean"

She stood before the ocean
Wind blowing through her hair
And wondered if she should become
A permanent part of the ocean there

As she went ankle-deep into the water
The red ribbons on her skin stung
She looked down at them with embarassment and pride
And wondered what she had done

She did not know who she had become
For she was only a shadow of who she used to be
She called over the roar of the ocean
"Is there any way to save me?"

And suddenly a butterfly landed gently on her shoulder
A symbol of hope, of a willingness to try
And as it fluttered it's delicate wings
She began to cry

She sank to her knees in the marshy sand
And knew at once that there
Was help for her
Because there was a god in heaven somewhere

Express yourself

[16 Mar 2004|12:31am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

"I Hear That..."

I hear life has two major choices:
Sink or swim
Every day I hear the voices
Urging me to make my choice

I say, "Do I have to decide?
Sink or swim, is that all?"
And devoid of hope, I cry,
"Is there any help for me?"

I am drowning
Without water
Screams resounding
In my ears

Can't breathe, but there's so much air
All these people to get help from
And no one seems to care
And though I'm sinking, I'm still swimming

By the grace of God, I'm still living
Even though my soul is dead
Still my heart is consistently beating
And there seems to be no end

So you see, it seems impossible to make that kind of choice
Just as it is improbable
That I will still this inner voice
That cries for love, help, and salvation

I hear that one person can save you
Be your angel on a hellish earth
Make it easier to live, too
Making life worth living

I hear that a man can make me whole
And that a God in heaven somewhere
Can save my impure soul
And save me from years of hell

I hear that love is truly blind
That it's worth the wait
That a good man is hard to find
And that when I meet him I will know

I hear that too much of a good thing will make you jaded
That good friends are hard to come by
And first time sex is overrated
That life whispers to you once in awhile

I hear that to love another person is to see the face of God
That real women have curves
That sometimes the best approach is just to smile and nod
That to err is human, but to forgive is divine

I hear that if you want to be a star, that's what you should be
That time in high school goes by just like that
That God will bless America from sea to shining sea
And that actions speak louder than words

I hear that nothing is as it seems
That you have to put away the childish things
But hold on to the dreams
All of this the voices say to me,
In the whispers and the screams

6 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[13 Mar 2004|01:46am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

"Stream of Consciousness"

Know they're there, wonder where they are
Underneath your shirt?
They can't be far
I know about it all, I know about the scars

Wondered why you'd do it,
And then I understood
Sat there myself, no first aids kit
No way to fix what I'd done

Reach up and grab my hand
Hold on tight
As time slips by like the sand
In an hourglass

I know about the scars
You told me yourself
And I swore by the stars
I'd help you if I could

Do I have to let go of this hand I hold?
Think it'll take a lot
I'll have to be bold
If I let go, what will happen to you?

And then I wonder if I ever held your hand at all
Was my influence on you not big enough,
Rather small?
Not enough after the tidal wave

Sand castle that didn't survive the wave of salt water
You ask for someone to help,
But look at me and say, "Not her."
Once again rejected

Remember that I know, and that I understand
Remember that I care, though I try not to
Remember that I have an outstretched hand
Remember to hold on

3 spoke their minds| Express yourself

One for the old...one for the new [04 Mar 2004|11:11pm]
[ mood | happy ]

"Sweetest Things"

I spoke in honey-covered words
Of you and why I loved you
Said the sweetest things you've never heard
Said there was no one else above you

The sweetness of the honey filled my heart and soul
Filled my mind with gladness
Never once thought you'd leave a hole
And fill it up with sadness

They said the trouble with love is it'll tear you up inside
I didn't believe it
I really thought they'd lied
And suddenly my heart's been hit

With that final kiss
You took the honey from my lips

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Click"

I wonder if you hear it, just as I do
I wonder if you hear the click of me and you
Maybe I'm just being strange
But I'm hoping someone likes me for a change

Every fantastic conversation
Is a cause for internal celebration
I whisper words of hope into the sky so blue
Hoping that you like me too.

4 spoke their minds| Express yourself

[02 Mar 2004|11:38pm]
[ mood | loved ]

"Dreams I have"

A faceless man lives in my mind
Generous, handsome, exceptionally kind
His presence sets my spirit free
Opens up the eyes of my heart to see

Mindless chatter makes my heart race
And every time I see his face
I experience something heavenly
With him, I can just be me

Often times he lays me down in love
And I look into his face above
Me, praying that I will see what he sees
As his body stretches over me

Sweet kisses like gentle rain
Washing away all my pain
Sorrow ceasing to exist
Every time I feel his kiss

And this love that I experience
Serves to rinse
Me of my anxiety
While he is with me, I exist quietly

Life is not so complicated
My heart is open, not barricaded
As he lays me down in love
In these fantasies that come from above

Express yourself

[02 Mar 2004|11:23pm]
[ mood | worried ]

"What You Need To Know"
I looked at what you had to say
What was on your mind today
Lyrics to a song so sad
My blood runs cold, what in your life is so bad?
Don't know how to help you if you won't let me
Sounds like you feel trapped and want to be free
Is anyone there for you,
Or did you push them away, too?
Despite our mutual past
The friendship that didn't last
There is something I would like to say
Hopefully you'll listen, just for today
I am always here for you
And every day I offer prayers up into the blue
For your happiness...for you.

Express yourself

[29 Feb 2004|07:51pm]
"Breathe"
My heart tells me to breathe
But my lungs, air they will not receive
Anxious for no reason
In this wintry season
Of this life I lead.

I feel alone, even when you're there
Everyone says they love me, but it feels like they don't care
I can't feel a thing
And my soul has ceased to sing

Tears come without explanation
Due to my unexplained separation
Between the girl I used to be
And this new person that is haunting me
Express yourself

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